It all went crashing down.

My blog, a place where i wouldn't visit when i am filled with joy and busy doing things i like.
However, when i am feeling blue, when i seek an outlet, i think of my blog, Cw's world.
Doesn't this feels like a shelter, home?
A place where i could fall back on.
This virtual home may sometimes be better than my physical home.
For even a family unit no matter how perfect, are still made up of people.
Thats the crux, when humans meet there can be joy, smilarly there can be tension.
It's just nature's way of maintaining a balance.
Don't get me wrong, there isn't a quarrel at home.
I am just trying to show the merits of this virtual space, one that is exclusive, always available to "lend a listening ear" and one that does not judge or discriminate.

As this goes on, the one reading might have have already got it, yes, i am feeling pretty angst.
And usually, when i feel down it is always accompanied by weariness.
As far as i can feel, i am well, rather stretched this week.
This was a week which pales in comparison to the week before in terms of how satisfied i was with the week.
Many may not know, i am one that could be easily affect by even a casual comment, remark or action.
The uneasiness would linger in my heart, with the scene actively re-enacting at the back of my mind.
To trace the roots of my troubled week, it begins during the holidays.
The days where i deceived myself to slack off.
"I wanted to take a short break", evolved into, "I deserved a break" which then met up with "holiday is when i shall play so that i could work doubly hard when school starts(aka procrastination)" and resulted in nothing done.
The Chinese had the saying "work hard initially, and reap the rewards later", but lazy bums like me like to see it backwards.
Anyway, as last year had proved, this mentality will get me nowhere further than the brink of failure or failure itself.

Holiday ends and i went back to school, it took me 3 weeks to recover my drive to study.
And once again, it was sparked by failure and panic.
Whoever said that failure is the mother of success can never be anymore true.
The getting back of my results was not something beneficial, especially for weak minds like mine.
It only served to make me goat over the pathetic majority and insidiously pump my ego to its maximum "obesity".
Blinded by a false victory, i actually believed i was somewhat "omnipotent".
Naive enough not to realise that this is SR.
On top of that, i am in 2s05.
If one had not known better, by simply viewing the statistics one would had thought this class was actually vying to be champions in "the biggest loser".
Owning the class and the less than mediocre majority had made me so arrogant and cocky, as if i was over the world.
I actually stopped mugging frantically and even tried to evade homework and tutorials.
It was just like my old self in remission.

To make things worst, i got myself associated with the wrong company and daily interactions gradually invoked my lesser side.
However, my call to realisation came too late and i can't detach myself now due to the red tapes in placed.
Over the course of this week, Tuesday was the worst.
It was the 1st day in my j3 life that i did not attempt my assignments and joined the ranks of the incorrigibles.
It was when i had to shamefully raise my hand in response to to the teacher's question of "who did not do the homework?", and witness the anger and horror on the teacher's face as he/she unbelieving watched the sheer number of hands in motion before his/her eyes.
The disappointment they must had felt to see me among the numbers although unapparent is enough to drown me with guilt.
Despite the homework episode being contained to only the 2 subjects which i became to disregard, i was under fire for chem as well.

My integration with the notorious bunch in class must have influenced my supposed "angelic character" and the impression of teachers on me.
In just one chemistry tutorial, i was commented to be getting from bad to worst(which was then corrected to good to bad) just for laughing at a joke the guys(i am stuck with) made,
got stabbed by one of them who jokingly replied to T that i was actually similar to them which resulted in "ya, i know i hear a lot from Mr -(my last yr T)." followed by "cw, i always praise you in front of Mr -, don't prove me wrong(last phrase was implied)".
This was not all, during the same tutorial i was also subsequently called to stop talking when i was listening to someone talking to me ,got randomly pick on to have long hair when my hair is so blatantly short(honest) and finally got fired again for using a smile to respond.
"What about you, what is your prelim target?", i simply smiled, "Whats that smile, don't tell me u want to get below 68!" with a 'i am telling you, better not!' face.
Throughout the lesson, i felt so emo wondering what did i do wrong?
I did not skip chem hw, i did not fail the previous test (infact i got B), i did not step on her foot, delete the operating system or plant virus in her com, nor did i scratch her car.
I felt so bad so upset so depressed and the only logic i could make out off was that i should return to isolation which i had practiced in term 2 and get myself off the radar.

Then, there was the time trials/tests screw up.
I paid no attention to the time trails amidst my complacency and i flopped both the time trials this week, especially for math which had to be handed up.
I imagined the disappointment once again, i am atrocious.
I am reverting to my old self, and this must stop.
I started to count the number of work i had to complete over the weekend to clear all my "debts" and prepare for next week and OMG!
I must WAKE UP!

Many more other unpleasant stuff happened this week in school, but i shall not carry on.
Will move on to driving.
Pissed me off-ed too, had a bad day.
He was always late for 10mins and he didn't say a word, today i was only late for 5 in anticipation of his lateness and was told that he was about to call me.
Then, the whole lesson was full of hiccups, so many changes, so many mistakes, so much tension was in the car, made me hate the evening rush traffic.
Peak hours sucked, especially on friday, besides traffic jams everywhere inpatient and grumpy drivers rushing to go home spammed their horn at me.
Then there was this thing with middle age private instructors and their incompetency to express themselves clearly and properly.
Hai,
Compounding only to my rough week in school.
After drive, i went to book the practical test date.
11/9, fortunately this was during the sept holiday which was what i wanted.
Hope that the school don't spam me with classes.

Hmm, now there is additional stress i got for myself.
Driving test will be right after my prelims, now i am rushing to fulfil two endeavours stretching me even further.
Feel the weight, eat it.
Scott signs off.