Black and White

It was a great day today, somehow I was all alone in hostel when I woke up. 

What a weird Saturday.

With the recent slew of events, I hardly had time alone to be so pensive.

It is a week into middle of term 4 now, my first term in the ISTD pillar.

The term began with me being so motivate and driven (probably because of the eventful summer).

But I guessed I burned out within a month or two and I got so jaded and so uninterested in everything.

Recess week didn't help, in fact it made things worse with me being stuck at home all week without my parents cause I was sick and they were overseas.

Before I knew it, I was back in school already with an impending mid terms looming over my head and a past week where all I could remember was me feeling all shitty and sleeping all day.

I try to get by everyday, without a purpose nor passion.

It is a far cry from when it all started where I was so excited to learn something new about computer science.

I am on a treadmill where I just keep running, day after day jumping over hurdles occasionally when there are tests and projects due.

I have no control over what I learn anymore, everyday is just another day where I try my best to understand what was taught in class and then I have no memory of it anymore.

I am not even interested in the 1D and 2D projects anymore, to me they are just another assignment where I have to try to get full marks so that I can get at least a B or A for my module.

My professors are great, they are always so kind, helpful and understanding.

They keep postponing tests and rescheduling our curriculum without hesitation, whenever they see that we are buried under the sheer amount of work.

But I would not say that we have a lot of work or the workload in unmanageable.

I am just tired and unmotivated, thus I am unable to produce the same amount anymore.

If these stuff were given to me during the first few weeks (where I was so motivated that I can finish the week's homework on the day it was released and even had time to code Apps), I guess I would be so happy to work all day and night (and even over the weekends) to produce that best I can deliver.

This negativity is so great that somehow, I have grown to hate everyone around me too(less a woeful few whom I hangout with everyday).

To me, everyone that I meet in school everyday is either a competitor of mine or a 20 odd year old "adult" whose only goal in life is to play Dota at every single effing opportunity(WOW, what an ambition! Gamers FTW!).

Yeah, I just fcking hate Dota and all it's followers.

There was once I was addicted to it and it was when I was in (fckin) Secondary 3 and 4, when I was a bloody kid in a neighbourhood school.

But then again, I can't blame them.

These people from all those prestigious school have mugged their whole childhood and sold their prepubescent life to books and practice papers to get their stellar results and their current scholarships titles.

While for me, I have no idea how I sneaked my way to be among these "elites" (probably cause I paid my way through by repeating a year).

I am such a prick and my life is so monotonous that as much as my school days are a just daily grind, I don't look forward to weekends either.

I don't hang out with friends on weekends, I don't go out, I just stay home and lead my purposeless life in solitude on weekends.

But at least I get a break from having to put up a facade and act happy and gleeful in front of everyone I hate during the weekdays.

I am such a hypocrite and I lead a double life

When I am all quiet and alone I am actually judging and hating you from afar, but when I am all smiling and chatting with you I actually love your company with all my heart.

But both of me are real, and both them are fake.

Whatever.

I think my only true friends live the past (or were from the past), they are people that I seldom interact with anymore cause we all lead our own busy lives.

These people are friends that I had so much fun with during my JC and Secondary school days.

Those were the days where I didn't have to put up a front, I throw tantrums and do nasty stuff all the time but somehow these friends of mine still loved me and accepted my nonsense.

But I seldom meet up with them anymore cause I am such a loathsome prick who feels that my life is so boring and I have nothing to share.

Instead of hanging out and dampening their fun, I should just stay home and wallow in self pity.

I stopped having any meaningful CCAs too.

CCAs were avenues to have fun and do something one enjoys to break the monotony of studying.

There used to be basketball but it's now all filled with foreigners(mostly Prcs and Indians) while soccer is filled with the usual ruffians.

These were my two favourite sports that I used to play during my pastime.

Then there is Yoga, my membership with Pure Yoga ended and I discontinued it cause going all the way to Orchard every weekend was such a chore.

There was suppose to be Yoga in school, but the instructor fell ill with dengue after the first session and a particular someone is so unwilling to up the gear for this club.

Sometimes, I just feel like ignoring her and organizing my own sessions.

Hmm, maybe I should do that.

After returning from all my eventful overseas adventures during the summer break, I began to re-adapt myself to local life.

It wasn't that hard, instead it seems that there was no option.

My environment just coerced me into my old self.

I thought I gained a little weight initially (I actually did) when I saw that I was consistently 64-65kg for the first time and I was so happy.

I have been scrawny all my life and I was so delighted to bulk up even by a bit.

It must be due to all the unregulated eating when I was overseas.

Somehow, I always had an appetite to eat back when I was abroad.

Therefore, I decided to ride on this gain and started gym-ing and consuming protein powder like what I used to do.

I also went back to my "healthy" eating routine which I used to do.

But these measures ended up backfiring as it became like a dieting regime after all.

At least that was the result I was getting, shrinking a little everyday.

In addition, my renewed habits also destroyed my appetite.

I don't feel hungry when I skip meals and I don't eat as much during meal time.

I also continue to refrain from junk food or supper cause I don't want to gain unwanted fats that can ruin my definition any further.

I definitely think that being skinny is so much better off than being thin but flabby (or with a belly).

Right now, the weighing scale in the gym has been down (out of battery but no one can be bothered to replace it) for several weeks and I am unable to measure how scrawny I am.

Nonetheless, I reckon that I am back to being 60-62 ish based on my own physical assessment.

This just suck doesn't it?

I remember that the last time I tried to gain mass and made progress (which was during term 3), I had to eat cereal every morning and snack something relatively healthy at night while constantly snacking during break times in school.

The key was to feel bloated all the time and never feel empty(in the stomach).

Unfortunately, I am unable to have breakfast in the hostel or make some healthy snack at night right now cause the dining table and the fridge in my current apartment is perpetually filled with so much stuff we can actually open a provision shop.

Some of the stuff have been there for so long(I wonder if anyone ever clears the fridge or the dining table) I think the maggots have had their fill and left.

On top of that, we no longer have a personal table each like we used to and that sucks.

Thus, the only thing I can do in the hostel is to blab nonsense, use my com on the bed or sleep.

I am not whining and kicking a fuss about my current living conditions here, I am just saying that it is different.

My old hostel had many flaws which I absolutely loathe too.

Alright, so this is what it is all about.

That is why I shared the picture at the top with you too.

It is me at this point in time.

It reflects the fact that my life is colourless and it is all so blurry.

I am listless, lost and uninterested about everything.

But I will still get by, day after day, cause I am not ready to dropout of school yet.

What a depressed old man.....

Nahhh, I am kidding.

This photo was taken after my gym session today cause I haven't done my post workout shots in a long time.

I was actually gonna post this on Instagram, but I relented.

Yeah, I've got Instagram now and it's so much fun!

Alright, time for me to head home, a brand new Sunday awaits.

I'm still gonna do something about my weight though, my current physique suck and I need to do some new to make a change.

Scott signs off.